The Only Reason
Kiss Me, Kiss Me
Lyrics from: f-ivesos
Jake Miller (requested)
5SOS inspired lockscreens (requested)
X-posted off my Affirmations for Bullying Victims website. When I say I’ve been there, I honestly mean it.
Trigger warnings for self harm and a suicide attempt.
(Me, at age 15.)
I was bullied a lot in school. Perhaps not as bad as some, but it was definitely worse than schoolyard teasing. I count myself lucky that the internet wasn’t as prevalent in the 90’s as it is in the 2000’s and beyond. Myspace and Facebook didn’t exist yet. The insults, torment and hate I dealt with never ventured beyond my mom’s car door. Today, many bullied children go home, get on Myspace or Facebook and the cruelty continues right there in their own house. If I was in school today instead of over ten years ago, I have no doubt the bullying I experienced would have extended to the internet.
In my youth, I had many behavior issues related to a yet undiagnosed autism spectrum disorder called Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS). I live with sensory issues that can lead to stimulus overload, I have the emotional maturity of an eight year old and I’m socially inept. Despite this, my IQ is above average, so I know I don’t have an intellectual disability. Since age seven I’ve been taking Dexedrine(or Dextrostat, its cheaper generic brand), to control my hyperactivity. I started with Ritalin, but I had a dangerous paradoxical reaction to it(my hands shook and my heart raced), so my pediatrician tried Dexedrine. I never had to change the dosage since that first prescription over twenty years ago. That is the proof that it works for me.
My medication is extremely important and I never miss a dose. Without my medication I honestly can not function at all. My mind starts going like a popcorn popper. I can’t control my impulses, thoughts or my emotions. I go from having a short fuse on my temper to no fuse at all. I’m afraid of causing someone damage or injury in the event I have a tantrum. Yes, at my age, I can have temper tantrums if I go off my medicine. It is not a matter of “just try to control it.” Try not to blink when you sneeze. It’s impossible because it’s an uncontrollable reflex. My hyperactive behavior without my pill is the same way: uncontrollable. I need this medicine to behave in an acceptable manner within society.
I suspect now that my behavior problems, delayed growth and delayed physical development made me into a perfect bullying target. I was smaller than my peers, I still look much younger than my actual age(but only without makeup!) and I still have trouble with age appropriate behavior. At age nine, I had the appearance of a five year old. At eighteen, I looked twelve. Now, in my thirties(it’s October of 2012 as I write this), I’ve had people think I was sixteen or seventeen. I get carded if I ask for wine when I go out to eat. I like looking young now, but I hated when I was growing up!
The bullying began in fourth grade, after my family moved from one house to another and I changed schools. The year was 1989 and I was nine years old. I don’t remember a lot of what happened because I blocked most of it out of my mind. I know the teacher at my new school turned out to be as much of a bully as my peers, but that’s getting ahead of myself.
We have more possibilities available in each moment than we realize.
What I’ve Learned:
1. A girl can lose feelings for you over night.
2. A kiss can be just that, a kiss. Completely meaningless.
3. Love can be one sided but I still wonder if that is love at all
4. Never beg for someone to stay or to love you. You shouldn’t have to beg for someone to be a part of your life or to love you. You deserve better than that.
5. Stop breaking your ribs to make space for those who do not belong there.
6. Learning to breathe again is harder than the doctors said it would be.
7. I don’t know what hurts more at night; being alone or being in love.
8. Laying with someone in bed at night is temporary. It won’t get rid of the lonely. You will still wake up and leave in the morning with a heavy heart and no hand to hold.
9. Sometimes the sky rains gasoline instead of water and you have to be strong enough and ignore the urge to set yourself on fire.
10. I will be okay someday. Bad things happen for no reason sometimes and things end but that shouldn’t mean you should come to an end too. The ocean will always have waves; I just have to learn to swim through them for a bit longer.
11. The stretch marks I left on my mother from birth will not be another suicide letter I never finished.
5 Seconds of Summer at Q102 radio - Aug. 13, 2014
5 Seconds of Summer perform at Q102 radio - August 13, 2014
we live in a world where the pizza arrives faster than the police
Well the pizza driver faces consequences when their job isn’t done right.
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